Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Dad tip #81: Beware the baby with ninja-like reflexes and guile

Tonight's advice will be in the form of a haiku:
I'll open my mouth
To make you think I want food
Ha ha! Got the spoon!
The haiku basically says it all. Though our baby is a mere seven months old, he's developed the ability to strategize ways to get ahold of the spoon. He'll open his mouth as if he wants a mouth full of food and then when you're in as close you can get without actually inserting the spoon in his mouth -- SHAZAM! -- like lightening his hand flashes out and he's got a surprisingly powerful grip on the spoon and there's mush all over his hands.

So the advice tonight is that you too must develop ninja-like reflexes. Work on that.

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Saturday, May 3, 2008

Dad tip #14: "Chicks do not dig poo on the sack"

You'll find that you'll start to say all kinds of bizarre stuff to your baby to keep him/her and yourself entertained during mundane tasks like diaper changes. Cleaning up after one particularly large poo-splosion, I found myself giving my son the very practical advice of "Chicks do not dig poo on the sack."

I mean, really, can ANYONE dispute that? However, that in itself isn't the lesson for the day. More so, the lesson is that you really need to look in all the nooks and crannies to find where all the poo hides after your child fills his diaper with a steaming hot pile.

It's almost like there are poo ninjas, skilled in the arts of stealth and trickery, attempting to evade detection. But for your child's sake, you must be the Snake Eyes to the poo's Storm Shadow.

Did you check behind the scrotum in your son's crotch jowls? Both sides? How about the space between the bottom of his penis and his ball sack? How about the space between his sack and his taint? How about in the chubby fold of flesh between the back of his leg and his butt? Yep, poo ninjas in ALL of those hiding places.

Hmm ... In retrospect, I suppose the secondary lesson here REALLY is "Chicks do not dig poo on the sack."

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