Dad tip #24: "Do the babies have sharp talons?"

A not-so-wise man named Napoleon Dynamite once asked:

"Do the chickens have sharp talons?

Mr. Dynamite could just as easily have asked:

"Do the BABIES have sharp talons?"

And the irrefutable answer would most definitely be: YES! Well, they can if you don't cut their finger nails regularly.

Cutting baby fingernails can be something of a daunting task. Those friggin' things are tiny and damn if your kid doesn't squirm around like a hyper-caffeinated octopus with ADHD. And if you're anything like me, you're paranoid because the last thing you want to do is cut the nail too short and hurt your child.

That said, if you leave a corner on a baby's finger nail or if you let the nails grow out too long, those suckers really do become mini-talons. You really want to take care of this quickly because a.) you don't want your child to scratch him or herself; b.) you're probably already tired and the notion of having your child repeatedly scratch you while you're toting him around is an irritant that you don't need; and c.) you don't want to get a severe nose bleed.

Nose bleed, you ask? Just yesterday my five month old son somehow jammed a finger up my wife's nose. In an accidental flourish that would've made Edward Scissorhands proud and left Wolverine shaking his furry head in dismay, he must've torn some kind of membrane up there and gave my wife a nosebleed that she didn't even initially notice until she tasted something salty in the back of her throat.

So, consider yourself duly warned. The babies have sharp talons.