Dad tip #28: Spend as much time as you can with your baby before you leave on a business trip

What I'm finding is that it gets harder to leave on business trips the older my son gets. Since he's becoming more and more aware of everything around him, I get the sense that this time he'll know I'm not around. That kind of sucks.

So, I recommend spending as much time with your kid as possible before you have to leave. Secondarily, maybe have your wife do some things that may give your child the impression that you're actually there.

For instance, while I'm gone, my wife might play every Star Wars DVD (in the order of their original release), cook up something garlic-y and spicy to fill the house with that familiar aroma, repeatedly make some complaints about how the Celtics are playing well below their ability right now in the 2008 NBA Playoffs, and then play the new Jason Mraz CD We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things non-stop with any time left over. (I've been singing the song "I'm Yours" to Connor as his lullabye for a couple of months now -- I included Jason Mraz's video for the single below.)

Okay, here's the part where I expect anyone I know who's reading this blog to fill the comments with all sorts of other unflattering stuff I do on a regular basis. And ... GO!

Dad tip #27: Video baby monitors good for monitoring more than babies

Okay, I don't know if the title of this post is actually true because we've only ever used our baby monitor for monitoring our baby. However, we have a cat that definitely spends way more time on the kitchen counter and the dining room table than he should and it would be great to catch him in the act more frequently (and then *SQUIRT* with the water bottle!).

That said, the real advice of this post is that video monitors may or may not be overkill and they may or may not make you saner or crazier; it really all depends on your personality. We were originally planning on using a hand-me-down audio-only baby monitor from my sister (thanks sis!), but discovered that the static was ridiculously loud.

I think I already harbored some latent desire for a video monitor -- I like gadgets -- so, I did some research and decided to pick up a video baby monitor by Summer that seemed to rate pretty well for reliability and relatively low levels of static.

If you're like me and my wife, the video monitor is great because it gives you the chance to look in on your cute sleeping child, it prevents you from disturbing your child when he may well be perfectly fine, and it answers the "what was he doing to make that noise?" question. However, I could totally see some more OCD-inclined, paranoia-prone, and just-plain-nutty parents having their lives taken over by constantly looking at the monitor.

And you've got to figure that humans have been making and raising babies for a loooooong time without ANY kind of monitor. So, I guess the other real piece of advice here is evaluate what personality type you and your wife are before determining whether or not you even need a baby monitor and, if so, what kind you want to get.

Just to set some people's minds at ease: a.) we love our cat dearly and do not really take enjoyment in squirting him with the water bottle when he's naughty and b.) video baby monitors are NOT creepy a la George Orwell's 1984 ... unless you're actually really creepy like that.

Dad tip #26: Save every plastic bag you can and bag poo separately

Today's post is the sequel to yesterday's commentary on the Diaper Champ versus the Diaper Genie. I had originally intended to make this post the second post in a trilogy all topically related in some fashion to the disposal of poopy diapers.

HOWEVER, my friend Jean stole my thunder with her comment in yesteday's post. If I were to complete my poo trilogy at this point it would be like making your kid watch the original Star Wars trilogy in the following order: A New Hope, Return of the Jedi, The Empire Strikes Back. What the heck would be the point in that? On the other hand, today's post wouldn't have been the same comparable quality of ESB anyway. It would've been much crappier ... pun intended.

Today's dad tip was going to be "Save every frickin' plastic bag you can" because you'll end up using it for something.

Tomorrow's post was going to be "Frickin' bag and dispose of poopy diapers separately" intending to guide the reader into not storing a feces-filled Pamper in the nursery for a couple of days. No matter how good your diaper disposal unit is, it'll still smell in the end ... pun intended again.

Okay, now I've got to go pick a topic for tomorrow. Dad tips don't grow on Giving Trees, y'know?

Dad tip #25: Diaper Champ versus Diaper Genie

If for some reason you don't have a waste receptacle dedicated to the disposal of soiled diapers in your nursery and you're thinking of getting one, this post is for you. While there appear to be a few knock-off products in this arena, there are essentially two major options from which you'll be choosing: the Diaper Champ and the Diaper Genie.

The Diaper Genie essentially makes what I like to refer to as "Giant Poo Sausages". The Genie uses these really long plastic bags that basically get twisted off in to segments into which you've placed a dirty diaper. So, no, it's not an entire sausage made of poo; it probably only has periodic poo links. The "gotcha" here is that you HAVE to buy their bag "refills". Once you marry into the Diaper Genie family, you're there for life. Or at least as long as you're changing your kid's diapers.

The Diaper Champ, on the other hand, will use any old plastic bag that will fit in it. Plastic bags that you bring your groceries home in work FANTASTIC. And yes, I know that's not the best solution environmentally, but for the time being, those bags are free and convenient. As opposed to the twisting motion required of the Diaper Genie, the Diaper Champ uses a flipping motion to hide away the stinky diaper.

My wife and I have only had limited exposure to the Diaper Genie. I seem to recall being marginally confused about how to properly use it once when babysitting our niece. We own the Diaper Champ and are perfectly satisfied with it. So, clearly I'm biased.

On the other hand, I suppose you could ignore all of this and just use a trash can ... an R2D2 trash can!!!

Dad tip #24: "Do the babies have sharp talons?"

A not-so-wise man named Napoleon Dynamite once asked:

"Do the chickens have sharp talons?

Mr. Dynamite could just as easily have asked:

"Do the BABIES have sharp talons?"

And the irrefutable answer would most definitely be: YES! Well, they can if you don't cut their finger nails regularly.

Cutting baby fingernails can be something of a daunting task. Those friggin' things are tiny and damn if your kid doesn't squirm around like a hyper-caffeinated octopus with ADHD. And if you're anything like me, you're paranoid because the last thing you want to do is cut the nail too short and hurt your child.

That said, if you leave a corner on a baby's finger nail or if you let the nails grow out too long, those suckers really do become mini-talons. You really want to take care of this quickly because a.) you don't want your child to scratch him or herself; b.) you're probably already tired and the notion of having your child repeatedly scratch you while you're toting him around is an irritant that you don't need; and c.) you don't want to get a severe nose bleed.

Nose bleed, you ask? Just yesterday my five month old son somehow jammed a finger up my wife's nose. In an accidental flourish that would've made Edward Scissorhands proud and left Wolverine shaking his furry head in dismay, he must've torn some kind of membrane up there and gave my wife a nosebleed that she didn't even initially notice until she tasted something salty in the back of her throat.

So, consider yourself duly warned. The babies have sharp talons.

Dad tip #23: Homemade cards from baby are cute

What's that? Your five month old can't make a homemade card? The frak he can't! Until your kid can smear a bunch of finger paint all over a gigantic sheet of white paper and until your kid can glue a bunch of random crap -- and why does the crap alway include macaroni? -- to a piece of construction paper, it's up to you to make the cards and sign your kid's name to it.

You've got to get into your kid's head before you make the card. You can do it up simple or complicated. For this Mother's Day, I inserted a pop-culture-related inside joke into the following Photoshopped masterpiece:


It's makes your kid look good. It makes mom happy. And, in this case, it's way fun to make references to The Karate Kid.

Dad tip #22: Pay attention to your wife on Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day. So you should be paying extra special attention to your wife and not reading this blog. For that matter, I shouldn't be writing it either.

Fortunately for me, my blogware allows me to change the post date and time. So, while the post may say that it was posted at 6:00am on the 11th of May, I'm actually writing it at 10:20pm on the 10th.

Happy Mother's Day!